Taking the Jump

A few years back, I sat at my desk contemplating what the rest of my life should be. I wasn’t sure what my adventurous mind was leading up to, but I was sure of one thing; I wasn’t the only female out there wanting to change her life. I was in very good company.

By walking out of my job and re-imagining my career goals, I was joining a mass movement of people who were refusing to go quietly into middle age. I was part of a generation that wanted woman to step up and show what they could do in corporate American, ones that dared to dream big.  Now facing the decade of life that should be having me grab on for dear life I was about to walk away from it for what would become my biggest challenge.  Was this called midlife crisis, was I channeling yearnings, dissatisfactions into a powerful call to action.

As a woman dedicated to corporate American I did my best to swing shift work, child rearing, and my love for horses into my busy schedule and still come out on top of the financial ladder.  I had thought long and hard that I would reinvent my own life when the time was right, but I discovered so much more on my yo-yo daily existence through unprecedented emotional highs and lows as I rewrote my own job description and learned to see myself in a brand new way.  By the time I finished mapping my future out I had even more admiration for the reinventers who had paved the way and wanted to celebrate and understand their motivations and strengths, so I took the plunge and stepped off the corporate ladder and walked away from a well planned education and a guaranteed retirement into the unknown wilderness of full time horse adventures.

I want to label that time in my life as learning the power of letting go.  My oldest daughter, Domenica (Nikki) and I were ascending a climbing wall while on a hiking vacation. A spot about two thirds of the way up required a dynamic move, a fancy way of saying you have to push off from – and surrender – a foothold in order to reach the next handhold.  This was the scary part you’ve lost your security before you know you’ll be able to grasp the next little orange knob.  Domenica decided to stay focused on her move and continue the direction she was heading she finally conquered the move. After that, she had no hesitation. She trusted herself.  

Watching her on the wall, a bell went off in my head – ring! Ring! ring! Metaphor! The dynamic move is precisely what makes so many of us shy away from changing our lives. We are so focused on the foothold we’ve got rather than the handhold up there waiting for us.  Amazing things happen when we open ourselves up to the unknown future.

Yes I agree you might say, but there is a problem with your metaphor; in life there is no belay rope, the safety line that protects climbers from falling too far off the wall.  But, I for one like a challenge and when the times get tough and I get pushed into a corner I find I come out a little stronger pushing.  It’s not that I did not have a twinge of fear. I think that would be impossible to walk away and into a new life, but the bottom line was I was not a happy camper.  My children were not quite what I wanted or expected. Not to say I loved them less, but we all lived in a very monitorial world.  It was all about the best presents, the biggest Christmas, the big house, every thing in order, and of course getting that new car every two along with the new phone.

I took my existing 6 horses that were boarded in a local stable and I did the unthinkable I moved into the country on a farm of my own.  I closed the door behind me never to step foot in an office again. To stay clear of courtrooms, meetings, contracts, legal gargle and the busy city life.  I wanted green acres, the country life. What I got was so much more. I can not say I made the jump without difficult and questioning myself every step of the way, yet I was determined not to look back.  I was going to do what my dreams ask, dedicate my life to enjoying my horses.  If I could make a living out of it then ok, if not so be it.  I think the hardest part was not worrying what other people thought. I had to be nuts, out of my mind, maybe going through menopause. Maybe it would wear off and I would come to my senses.

I never believed that taking little steps could prepare you for the big one. I figured that reinvention would be more like bungee jumping than mountain climbing. So I stood at the edge and let my wings soar.  It’s been almost 20 years since I walked away from the hustle and bustle of city life and working for the man.  I now live in the middle of what I like to think as nowhere, and I tend to the needs of the horses.  I have turned my knowledge of horses into a non-profit business of rescuing the gentle souls left unwanted and uncared for.  Did I make the wrong choice, I don’t think so, but I do wake up some nights wondering if I would do it all over again.  I have to still today fight others and locate the inner strength to shake off criticism. If you find yourself visited by similar demons, remind yourself of an essential question. Whose life is it, anyway?

Mine, and I am doing what I love to do with my childhood passion that was never loss, (the love of horses) I am doing what so many others would like to do, and guess what I am having a ball. Well most of the time anyway.

By Joanna Goodall

3-5-08